Has Someone Crossed The Line With You?

There’s an easy way to answer this question: if you’ve been hurt or you’re afraid you will be hurt, someone has crossed the line and you need to get help immediately.

How Can I Keep Safe?
Who Can Help?
Men Can Be Abused Too
Impacts on Children

How can I keep safe?

Create a safety plan

It helps to have a safety plan for when you feel unsafe or at risk of being hurt. The following safety plan is an example of what you can do to prepare to leave quickly.

Decide who you'll call if you feel threatened or in danger. This may be the Police but could also be a neighbour, relative or friend.
Decide where you'll go if you need a safe place. You may need to leave the house in a hurry if you think you may be hurt. If you have children, develop a safety plan for them such as working out where they can go that is safe if you are unable to get away. This could be a neighbour or another person who lives close by who may be able to offer protection.
Decide what arrangements you might need to make for your pets if they will be at risk of being harmed.
If possible, save some money for a taxi, bus or train for emergency transportation to a safe place.
Keep extra keys to your house and car in a safe place.
Make a list of emergency phone numbers.
Consider keeping some clothing, medications, prescriptions, important papers, keys and some money with someone you can trust.
If possible, practice travelling to the location you've chosen as a safe place.
If you're going on a date, make sure you carry emergency cash, have a phone card or mobile phone, consider using your own transport and meet the other person at the venue, and tell someone else who you're going out with, where, and an expected time you will be back.

Internet safety

If your abuser uses the same computer as you, they may be able to find out what web pages you've been looking at (for instance, this one).

The easiest solution is to use a different computer - perhaps at a friend's place, work, an internet cafe or a public library. To keep emails secret, create a new email account and only use this account at a computer that your abuser can't use.

If you have to use your home computer, you can make it harder for someone to check what you're doing.

Change your login password, and the password on your email account regularly, and make sure it's a password that your abuser can't guess (it should have letters and numbers in it). Make sure the box that says "remember my password on this computer" is not ticked.
When you have finished using email, click the sign out button.
Your internet browser keeps a list of sites recently visited, and someone who uses the computer after you can look at this list. The links below give instructions about how to delete the list. You need to delete the list every time you use the internet.

Clicking the links below will open a new browser window/tab containing the selected link:
Internet Explorer:
www.microsoft.com/windows/ie/ie6/using/howto/customizing/clearcache.mspx

Opera:
www.opera.com/support/tutorials/security/privacy/index.dml

Netscape:
members.aol.com/webstlouis/purge.html

Firefox:
www.mozilla.org/support/firefox/options#privacy

Use a different browser to the one your abuser uses. You can download browsers, such as Opera or Netscape, for free.

Important: Save the program in a folder, and don't put a shortcut on the desktop.

Someone who is very determined to know what you are doing with your computer could install "spyware" or keylogging software on your computer. This software records everything you have typed and every webpage you've looked at.

Some anti-virus programs protect against spyware, but the best way to protect yourself is use a computer that your abuser cannot use.

Restraining Order

A restraining order is a court order that forbids a person from harassing, threatening, or abusing you or behaving violently. They may also be ordered not to do various things, such as coming to your home or your children's school, following or watching you, or sending you messages. An order is made specifically for you and your situation.

Going to the police is usually the easiest way to apply for a restraining order. It helps to go prepared. Take with you any evidence or information you think will help to support what you are saying.

If the person does any of the things the order prohibits, it's an offence and you should tell the police immediately.

Who can help?

If you're experiencing domestic or family violence, there's a range of services to help support you. These include: accommodation, counselling and support, court assistance, and referrals to local services. Visit our Where Can I Go To to Get Help page to find an organisation that offers the type of help you need.

Men can be abused too

Men can be abused too and we know how hard it can be to seek help. You may be worried that no-one will believe you or perhaps that you will be thought of as "less of a man". Speaking out about your experiences is difficult but it is the most important step towards a life without abuse.
Remember, assaulting someone is a crime and you don't have to deal with it on your own.

Impacts on children

Children are affected by domestic and family violence even if they have not seen the abuse or violence. Children react in a variety of ways; they may show signs that they are affected by the domestic and family violence, or they may keep these signs and their feelings inside. It is important to listen to children and watch for warning signs of effects on a child's physical or emotional health.

Research shows that children who are involved in domestic and family violence are affected in many ways. They don't need to see it to be affected. Some of the ways children may react include:

copying the abusive or violent behaviour
sleeping difficulties, such as nightmares
trying to intervene to stop the abuse. This is how some children become injured during domestic and family violence
being stunned into a terrified silence by what they see
blaming themselves
being frustrated, angry and depressed
bullying others or being bullied by others
being cruel to animals
regressive behaviours like bed wetting and thumb sucking
being nervous and withdrawn
changes in behaviour and/or academic performance at school
displaying psychosomatic illnesses including unexplained headaches, asthma and stuttering
running away from home
attempting suicide or self harm
abusing alcohol and substances (in older children).

Violent behaviour also gives children inappropriate messages about the way to treat people in their family, those they care for, or people with a disability, illness or impairment. Children may learn:

the only way to cope with stress and pressure is through the use of abuse and violence
using violence is an appropriate way to solve problems
it is okay to use violence to get what you want.

How to help your children

Parents and guardians of a child growing up in an abusive household can help by:

being aware that domestic and family violence harms children too
educating children that there is never any excuse for abuse and violence
providing reassurance that the abuse and violence is not the child's fault
telling the child that he or she is loved
organising support at school by talking to a teacher, principal or guidance officer
encouraging the child to talk about how he or she is feeling and of any worries he or she may have
seeking support form a counsellor
ensuring the child knows how to call for help including phoning '000' and stating the address of the home
taking action against the violence by seeking support from a domestic violence organisation and, where appropriate, taking the child to a safe place.

Help for kids dealing with family violence

www.burstingthebubble.com

Last updated: Friday, September 04, 2009