Have You Crossed The Line?

How can you tell if you've crossed the line?

It's simple. You've crossed the line if you've ever used abuse or violence to control a situation or person in your relationship. So ask yourself these questions:

Have you been violent or abusive to a family member, partner or someone in your care?
Have you made a loved one or someone in your care afraid?
Has this happened a number of times before?
Is your abusive or violent behaviour affecting your children?

If you answered "yes" to any of these, it's time to take action.

How do I take action?
The Costs of Crossing the Line
Myths about Sexual Assault and Rape
Myths about Domestic Violence

How do I take action?

In any relationship, there's going to be differences and arguments. And no-one expects that you'll never get angry. But how you deal with the situation is entirely up to you.

The first step is to acknowledge that your behaviour is abusive. As long as you tell yourself that 'It's OK', 'It's not that bad' or 'It's not really hurting anyone', you'll keep causing physical and emotional harm to your loved ones.

Next, you need to start recognizing when you're in danger of losing control - you'll need to look for signs, for example, maybe you clench your fists or your heart starts racing.

If you feel like you're about to lose it, use self-talk to calm down. If this doesn't work, walk away and clear your head. But there are no quick fixes. Changing patterns of control and abuse isn’t easy. Click here to seek help from those with the right skills and experience.

The costs of crossing the line

If you continue to choose to use violence and abuse in your relationship, there are a number of likely consequences. They include:

the breakdown of your relationships
people you care for, including your children, living in fear of you
hurting your children
facing the court on a restraining order application
criminal charges if you do not comply with an order
loss of contact with your children
serious emotional harm to the other person, children and yourself
serious injury or death to either yourself, the other person or children.Myths about sexual assault and rape

Myths about sexual assault and rape

Many of the myths about rape and sexual assault blame the victim. Placing the responsibility for rape and sexual assault on the victim/survivor is a powerful way of silencing people about their experience. Some myths are specific about women, others relate to men and some to women and men. What they all have in common is their purpose: to shift responsibility away from the perpetrator and to blame the victim/survivor. As a result, myths can add to the trauma for people who've been raped - sometimes because the person who has been raped holds some of these beliefs themselves, making it harder to deal with the assault; and sometimes because other people say things based on the myths.

Myth: Women enjoy being raped.
Rape is a frightening and humiliating experience during which the woman has no control over what happens.

Myth: It is impossible to rape a man or woman unless the perpetrator has a gun or knife.
Perpetrators do not need a weapon to terrify victim/survivors into submission. Many are in fear of losing their lives or being hurt, regardless of whether or not the assailant has a weapon.

Myth: Nice girls don't get raped.
All women are vulnerable to sexual assault.

Myth: Most rapists are strangers.
Most perpetrators are known to the victim/survivor and include, partner, friend, neighbour, father, other relative, work colleague or boss.

Myth: Rapes occur at night in a dark alley.
Many rapes occur during the day. Almost half of the rapes reported take place in the victim/survivor's or perpetrator's home.

Myth: It is a man's right to have sex with his wife or partner whenever he wants to.
Forcing a person to have sex when she does not want is rape. A relationship does not imply consent.

Myth: Perpetrators are psychopaths.
There is no typical perpetrator. Violent rapes by psychotic men are well publicised but in fact most perpetrators look and act like ordinary men and lead otherwise ordinary lives.

Myth: If a woman/man didn't scream or fight it couldn't have been rape.
Many people who have been raped are not able to struggle or scream. They have been threatened and some become paralysed with fear. There is also the fear that the attacker will become more violent if they struggle.

Myth: Women provoke rape by the way they dress or act.
Almost anything a woman does could be construed as being an invitation to rape, or asking for it. Women are supposed to be attractive, but if they are raped they are told they provoked the attack by the way they dressed. Women who are hitchhiking are asking for a lift, not to be raped.

Myth: People who are affected by alcohol or drugs are asking to be raped.
Being in a vulnerable position does not imply consent.

Myth: Men who are raped are gay.
Men who are raped are vulnerable because of their age, isolation or because they may seem to be different.

Myth: Men who rape other men are gay.
Men who rape other men often identify themselves as heterosexual. They rape other men as a part of an act of violence and the need for power and dominance.

Myths about domestic violence

Myth: Alcohol and drugs make men violent.
Many men are violent when stone-cold sober. Others never touch alcohol, yet regularly abuse their partner. Blaming drink or drugs is an excuse. Both may trigger a particular attack, but they're not the cause.

Myth: It only happens in poor families.
Anyone can be abused, no matter where they live or how much income they have. Abused women come from all walks of life and there are no exceptions. Men who abuse women are as likely to be lawyers, accountants and judges as they are tradesmen, cleaners or unemployed.

Myth: More women would leave if the abuse was that bad.
There are many reasons for staying with an abusive partner. The abused woman may fear what her partner will do if she leaves, or she may believe that staying with him is better for the children. There are also practical considerations to take into account. She may not have access to money, or anywhere to go. She may not know where to turn for help, particularly if English is not her first language. And when she is emotionally and financially dependent on her partner she can be very isolated.

Women from different cultures can find it particularly difficult to leave an abusive man as this would bring shame on both themselves and their family. They may feel they are betraying their community if they contact the police.

An abused woman's self-esteem will have been steadily worn down. She may not believe she will manage on her own, or that she has any other options. She may have been brainwashed into thinking she's worthless. She will feel ashamed of what has happened and perhaps convinced it is her fault.
She hopes her partner will change. She remembers the good times at the start of the relationship and hopes they will return. In emotional terms she has made a huge investment in the relationship and she wants it to work.

Myth: Abusers grow up in violent homes.
This is not true. Growing up in a violent home is a risk factor and some children who experience abuse do go on to be abusive in their relationships. On the other hand many do not. Abusers learn to be violent from the society they grow up in. Inequality between the sexes means that men have more power over women - inevitably some of them abuse or exploit that power. People who blame violence on their childhood experiences avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Violence is a choice an abuser makes.

Myth: Some women like violence.
Women do not enjoy violence, or find it a turn-on. Most live in fear and terror. This is a way of blaming the victim for what is happening.

Myth: Women ask for it. They deserve what they get.
Women are often attacked by their partner for no apparent reason. Even if a woman has behaved appallingly, she does not deserve to be beaten. Violence and intimidation are not acceptable ways to solve conflict in a relationship. Again this is a way of justifying and making excuses for the abuse's behaviour. It allows a violent man to avoid responsibility for his actions.

Myth: Abusive men have a mental illness.
The vast majority of men who abuse are not mentally ill. Research shows that the proportion of abusers with mental health problems is no higher than in society as a whole. And if an abusive man were mentally ill, how is it that he only abuses his partner, not his colleagues, strangers, or friends?

Myth: He only hit her because he was under stress.
Some men who abuse their partners are suffering from stress. Again, this is a factor, not a cause. Many men who are stressed are never abusive. Similarly, many men who do abuse their partner cannot claim to be under stress.

Women experience stress too, yet they rarely beat or abuse their partners to the extent that men abuse women.

Myth: He loses his temper sometimes, that's all.
People argue that an abusive man loses his temper, or is out of control. In fact he is very much in control.

Abusers can be selective about when they hit their partner, eg when the children are asleep. Or choose not to mark her face, or any part of the body which shows. This suggests they are very aware of what they are doing. Many men abuse their partners emotionally and psychologically, without ever using anger or physical violence. This shows the extent of their control.

Myth: Domestic violence is a private matter, you shouldn't get involved.
For too long domestic violence has been allowed to happen behind closed doors. People think what goes on in the home is private, and not their problem.

Domestic violence is a crime. It is against the law. We are all affected by domestic violence, and we all have a responsibility to speak out against it. Only then will we end it.

Last updated: Friday, September 04, 2009